I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
