Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
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i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
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I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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