She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
