You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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