10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
