I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Randomize
