I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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