i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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