Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Randomize
