Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Is Oprah even human
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
