Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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