we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
