why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
