So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
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I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
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The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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