My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You are the jesus of drinking
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
