i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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