If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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