At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
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