I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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