I just made out with a guy for $7.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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