Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
