you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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