you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
