I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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