the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Just pee around me
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
