I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
