We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
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He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
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you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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