we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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