I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
