My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
she peed on how many people?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
