She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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