Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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