I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
