I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
