I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
