when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
