Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
