He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
