it hurts more in the daytime
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
