return my video game
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
