jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
sarcasm needs its own font
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
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