Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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