I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
the day after is always just damage control
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
