we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
