I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
