someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
