sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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