Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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