This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
