he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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