4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
