I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
