I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
