I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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