So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize